Maurice-isms

Warning! Real construction site language included below.  If colourful language offends your sensitivities you probably should stop reading now. You also probably shouldn’t have visited while the project was underway…Dad might have added a comment about knickers being twisted or walking on eggshells…

Working on a construction or DIY project with Dad was the best way to learn some of his famous phrases because he used idioms like some people use hot sauce – “he put that s#*t on everything”.  He liked to tell stories about other projects he’d worked on where a client or project manager was “out of his tree” or “as sharp as a sock full of soup” or, more benignly, “a few bricks short of a load” or “the elevator didn’t go all the way to the top floor”.  He might remark that a ragged tool looked like it had been “ridden like a rented mule” or a dull screwdriver was about as useful as “tits on a bull”.

Package instructions were usually confirmed to be as helpful as a “screen door on a submarine”.  If you were in the way he’d remind you that “you make a better door than a window!”  If there were several ways to accomplish a task he would say “there’s more than one way to skin a cat” or “six of one, half a dozen of another”.  When a measured cut lined up perfectly he’d share a satisfied smile and say “I’m not as dumb as I look”.  When something was just a little off he might say “this isn’t a hill worth dying on” or “that’s good enough for the kind of girls I go out with!”.

Unnecessary hesitation could be met with him telling you to “s#*t or get off the pot”, though it was usually prefaced with “pardon my French”.  If I was being too gentle, he would say “hit it like it owes you money”.  If I was being wasteful with supplies, he’d admonish me for going through the supply “like poop through a goose”. If I got a few steps ahead of myself he’d remind me that “we’ll cross that bridge when we get there” or to “hold your horses”.

At the end of the day, I’d always hope what I did had “cut the mustard” and that we could “call it a day” and go for a Slurpee.